The Great Purge

Doug finally went back to school today. I don't think that he was too thrilled about it-- he liked staying home with me and wearing his pajamas all day. (Who wouldn't like that life?) It was Polar Express day in kindergarten, so they got to wear pjs to school-- I figured that would help him transition back into normal life.

Being stuck at home for three days was good for my house. As it sometimes does, cleaning out one thing lead to cleaning out another, and before I knew it, I had filled the van with a load of stuff for the D.I., as well as one of our garbage cans with stuff I didn't even think that the D.I. would want.

I finally cleaned out the closet of the nursery-turned-exercise room. (Isn't that an ironic shifting of uses for a room?) I decided that all of the teddy bear stuff was not conducive to sweating- my- guts- out inspiration, so I tore it all off the walls (except for the wallpaper border-- what the heck do they use to make that stuff stick, anyway?)

Next, I attacked the closet. When I moved Doug into Mike's room, I stashed all of the old baby / nursery stuff in there and pretty much haven't opened it since.

I felt a funny, unexpected twinge as I packed it all up. I've given away most of my baby clothes and things to sisters and friends who needed it-- and I've never missed it. Getting rid of the nursery stuff felt different-- kind of final, I guess.

We tried to have a baby a couple of years after we had Doug. Things didn't go well, and going to the doctor to figure out why uncovered some major health problems that I was having which made it impossible for us to have a baby-- at least until I got things under control.

Luckily, with some good medicine and a great doctor, I was able to get better. However, as my illness disappeared, so did the desire to have a baby.

Mostly, that is.

I've said for a couple of years now that we are done. We are. But, as much as your head and even your heart know that is the case, the parts of me that make me a mother are more reluctant to let that part of life go. A friend of mine recently said in her blog that those feelings come from the tendency of the Love inside of us wanting to begat more love.

That may be true, but it was not strong enough to overcome the other urge I had to clean everything out and use the space for something more relevant.

Like storing bike stuff.

And Christmas presents.

I wondered if I'd feel regret for giving the stuff away, but as I drove off from the D.I. today, I just felt lighter. It's as if giving away the baby stuff purged not only the clutter, but also the small piece of me that was still holding onto the "maybes" and "what ifs?"

Wonder what's hiding in my other closets?