I've had some concern lately about my daughter. She is like me in that she is tall and strong. She's hitting that age in school where kids start pointing out differences in others and someone has pointed out to her that she's bigger than most of the kids in her class.
She came home devastated and worried that she is "fat."
She broke my heart and opened up my greatest nightmare.
I grew up thinking that I was fat. Someone close to me who should have known better continually reinforced that to me from the time I was about 6. My wonderful mom and dad tried to contain the damage, but that kind of stuff affects you for a long, long time. (I'll let you know when it's done raking me over.)
I would give anything to keep my daughter from fighting the same battle for her whole life. However, with this conversation last week, I realized that I have already done 10 years worth of damage to her with the bad example that I have set. She has grown up hearing the words "fat, lose weight, calories, etc."
How do you scrub out 10 years of bad example?
In thinking about all of this, I received a crucial and very uncomfortable insight. My weight is not the real problem. My obsession with my weight is. What I have realized is this: even if I weighed exactly what I want to, I would still be obsessed with it. Hitting 145 would not bring me ultimate happiness.
What that also leads me to believe is that I have used my weight as an excuse for every failure I've ever had.
Scary thought: What if it's not? Am I arrogant enough to believe that, if my weight was perfect, that I would be a perfect person? That every problem I have would be gone?
I know that seems stupid, but I think that's where I've ended up.
So, even though I've never liked myself enough to do it, I do LOVE my daughter enough to give it up. I'm done. You will no longer hear me comment about losing weight, diets, or anything like it. (And if I forget, please call me on it. It's REALLY important.)
My new self-constitution is as follows:
- I will take care of my body and teach my children to do the same SOLELY for the purpose of being healthy and being good stewards of the bodies with which we are blessed.
- I will exercise because it makes me feel good and because it is good for my body, not because it burns calories.
- I will make good food choices and teach my children to love and be grateful for healthy food. I will not freak out when we feel like eating a candy bar, but conversely I will try not to use food as incentives or rewards.
- I will not say negative things about my body or allow my children to make negative comments about their bodies.
- I will build up my children and myself with positive comments about all of the good qualities that I notice.
- I will talk freely with my daughter (and sons if necessary) about the fact that different is not bad and that there are advantages in being tall and strong.
I'm not expecting things to change overnight, but I am more committed to this change than I have ever been in my life.
I have to be.
She's that important.
5 comments:
Kim...this post makes you one of the best moms I have ever read about! It is tough being the girl that doesn't have the toothpick build and for kids to not understand that it just isn't possible for some people. I love your constitution and the love you are showing in this post. Good luck...tell your sweet girl that she is beautiful in more ways than just the outside and that those that barely know her feel that way about her. Good luck and thank you for sharing this, I am sure it was a difficult post to make.
Wow. What a great post. It should be published somewhere for all mom's to read. Your daughter is so lucky to have you for her mom. Miss you. Lunch?
Kim. I totally agree and even though I probably share your views I have tried to never talk about my insecurities infront of my children, my poor husband is aware though. I know this makes him crazy. I worry a lot about Sophie that kids will notice that she is bigger than them but I feel that if we try to eat healthy play hard and build her up she will be ok when some mean kid tells her she is different and I hope that she will know to respond that she is beautiful and that she can reach higher because she will always be taller and more stunning because she is different.
Kim,
I think you are so great! Wow, how I could relate to everything you said! I, myself have made the same pact to try to teach my girls the insignificance of weight (it's hard to teach it, when I struggle to believe it myself). It's too bad it means so much, or we think it means so much. If only we could be happier and more content with ourselves and our differences, huh? Emalee is very lucky to have a mother like you. You set a great example for the rest of us. She will be fine because of all the good you do.
So many of your posts speak directly to my heart, but this one does more so than any other. I so understand what you are talking about for me and my beautiful tall strong daughter! Thank you for the courage to share. The funny thing is this has been on my mind all week long. .. .just this morning I thought "food isn't bad it is just "the love of food" kinda like "money isn't bad just "the love of money" is.
I like your constitution and hope to incorrporate it into my life.
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