I Paid How Much For This? (10 Top Reasons I Hate Going to the Dentist)

I hate going to the dentist.

I know. We all do. It's cliche'.

We don't have dental insurance, which means that my efforts at preventative dental care are spotty at best. This makes my trips to the dentist-- like today's-- usually sparked by a broken tooth or something else equally painful and expensive.

Did you know that the United Nations Convention Against Torture defines torture as "...any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him, or a third person, information or a confession (or lots of money?). I think that they could have put a picture of a dentist here.

Here are my top ten reasons why I HATE going to the dentist:

10. 3-D posters on the ceiling. They all have them. I stare and stare at them trying to see the image and just when I think something is appearing, the dentist sticks his head in my way.

9. Horrible tastes. Everything they stick in your mouth (and they use LOTS of things) tastes bad. What's worse is that the taste sticks with you for hours-- and it's not like you can chew a piece of gum to get rid of it-- you'd turn your tongue into hamburger.

8. Horrible smells. Seriously, is there anything worse than that drilled tooth smell?

7. Yes, there is something worse-- horrible sounds. That high pitched "wheeeeeezzzzzzze" thing for an hour is good for 10 dB of hearing loss and a migraine. Not to mention the Inca chanting music in the background. What the heck was that?? Like I said. Bad Sounds.

6. Other peoples' hands in your mouth. I know they take all kinds of sterilization precautions and all that, but when push comes to shove, they're still sticking the same hands with which they wipe their booties in your mouth. Try getting past that thought at your next appointment.

5. Impression material. I HATE that feeling of biting down on squishy stuff and keeping it there until it hardens. Makes me want to vomit, but I'm afraid that the squishy stuff will keep my jaws together and I'll choke and die. Wouldn't that make a good obituary?

4. When the dentist talks to you while he has your mouth clamped open like you are supposed to respond somehow. My dentist furthered the mental torture today by telling me how he's looking to buy a road bike (my favorite subject), and then proceeded to tell me all of the ones he's looked at and asked what do I recommend? "AIREWMJSDAKFJLANEJRKSDLKM" was my answer. You're welcome.

3. Novacaine. I know, I don't want to try dentistry without it, but everything about it sucks. The shots? Suck. The epiniphrine in it? Sucks. The numb feeling that is causing me to dribble my Cherry Dr. Pepper down my chin as I type this 3 hours later? Sucks.

2. Two hours of sitting in the same chair, having to hold still. I'm never good at holding still-- let alone for that long. Another element of the grand torturous design.

1. BIG BUCKS. That is the most painful reason of all. The irony of paying $900 for this whole grand experience is too good to be true.

So, when was your last check up?